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 Pluto attacks - Chapter Two

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Red-dead

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PostSubject: Pluto attacks - Chapter Two   Thu May 21, 2009 2:39 am

"Now, where were we? Oh, yes... Use Shadow Force and trick room after again!" Pluto yelled.
"Dodge and use Hydro Pump, Empoleon!" Said Trainer.
"You train your pokemon too hard when they're weak and not competitive. I shouldn't even be fighting you, you're so weak!" Pluto states.
"Empoleon, let's show your quality training, use..."
"Hurry up! I don't have all day! I've gotta get this Magma Emblem away from you!" said Pluto. "However, plan two... Grunts!!! Grab this trainer and his pokemon!"
" Yes, sir. Our job is to beat trainers!" said the Grunts fastly.
"Okay, I'm leaving this mountain! All it brings is bad luck!" Pluto says as he passes the grunts some pokeballs. " In these pokeballs, it contains Tyranitar and Dusknoir. Use them
very wisely."
"Okay, sir! We'll hold him off!" the Grunts say while Pluto escapes the mountain.
" Okay, brat! We're gonna show you Team Neptune's power!" the Grunts say as they block the exit.
"Go Tyranitar!" one grunt says. "Go Dusknoir!" The second says...
"Come back, Empoleon!" said Trainer, "Go Bayleef and Magmar!"



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Pokemonrock

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PostSubject: Re: Pluto attacks - Chapter Two   Thu Dec 10, 2009 4:41 pm

Woah- Uh-uh. Gengar can't use shadow force! Only Giratina can!!

[code]Like it: Somewhat
Opinion: Erm...
Matchup: Empoleon>Tyranitar.

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PostSubject: Re: Pluto attacks - Chapter Two   Fri Dec 11, 2009 11:36 am

all right, I really REALLY hate to be the one that needs to point this out, but honestly, this was poorly written. You have them yelling out the attacks or just telling others. One way you can fix this is take your time, don't rush action. The second thing you can do is add description to how things are going...like this...

Quote :
"Now, where were we? Oh, yes... Use Shadow Force and trick room after again!" Pluto yelled.
"Dodge and use Hydro Pump, Empoleon!" Said Trainer.
"You train your pokemon too hard when they're weak and not competitive. I shouldn't even be fighting you, you're so weak!" Pluto states.

It can be like this.
Quote :
Pluto laughed at his opponent's lack of strength. ]"Now, where were we?" he started. Then Pluto commanded, Oh, yes... Use Shadow Force and trick room afterwards again!" The Gengar disappeared into the shadows as the Empoleon was awaiting the inevitable attack. Suddenly the Empoleon felt slower.

The young trainer commanded, "Dodge, and use Hydro Pump, Empoleon!" The Empoleon tried to dodge the attack, however, the Gengar reappeared too quickly for the Water-type pokemon to dodge and struck it.

Pluto laughed at this sight, all odds were in his favor. The man gloated, "You train your pokemon too hard when they're weak and not competitive." And to make matters worse, he finished his sentence with, "I shouldn't even be fighting you; you're so weak!"

See how a little description can go a long way? Like I said, work on your story telling a bit, add some description and you have a pretty good story. Granted mine was just a bit short, but still try to show action rather than just conversations

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